I will admit that their were times that I would vacillate between whether I was truly of use to God and whether I was just too broken and messed up for His plans. I guess when people would try and fit me into a mould that was not to my gift set I would fail and this would only exacerbate my feelings.
Many a time I would try and adopt the skills that others thought were of greater value to them and by doing so deny who I am before the Lord. However this was in regards to man's interpretation of my gifting and not what my heart was screaming at me. All I know is that I am weird and that weirdness is unique.
Well I found my square hole. Now my spirit and my soul are in union. I found what I am strong in and I am working that as best I can. The awesome part is that someone is willing to pay me for my skill set.
I have always know that my mouth could get me into trouble as well as get me out. I have often been told I have the gift of the gab and I have been working that for all it's worth. However when you are in an environment that does not like "talkers" then the main reaction is to ignore the person. Which usually only makes us talk more. When I was younger I was very sensitive and self conscious. My self esteem was linked very closely to what other people thought of me, and when I was ignored it burned me up.
Then one day I went to a good friend who told me the truth. "Dave, your talk too much! People switch off when you speak. I guarantee you that if you shut up people will notice you!" This sounded incredibly counter intuitive. All my life I had tried to 'GET' people to notice me. But I took his advise and walked into a class and just sat down. I resisted every urge in my body to talk. Even when I had something to say I kept quite. Then at the end of the class they ask for final points. I gave a short 4 word answer and the person next to me jumped out of their chair. He had sat next to me the whole time and didn't know I was there. It was the fact that I had said nothing that ultimately allowed him to drop his defence at the barrage of comments I usually make and when I did eventually say something it got through.
That is when I went to the Lord and asked Him what was going on. I knew that I had a ministry in speaking but the Lord was holding me back from leadership. I questioned Him in prayer and for once the Lord gave me a direct answer. This is what he said to me,
"Dave I am the Lord of the universe, I am omniscient, all knowing and I don't even know what is going to come out of you mouth. Until your gift is yielded to my will I can't use it."
That began my path of reconstruction. It was a long road for me. Changing a life time of behaviour took sustained energy. Of picking myself up when I messed up again, and then pressing on towards the Lord.
Now I am operating in that calling. I will be honest and say that it is always the Lord. I guess I agree with Paul when he said;
3 I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling.
4 My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words,
but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power,
5 so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom,
but on God's power. 1 Corinthians 2: 3- 5
I am also acutely aware that there are times when I try to sound clever and come off sounding stupid.
Therefore I will give Him the glory due His name. As well as the praise for the work he has placed within my heart.
I pray that you will also seek that which God has for you.
2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world,
but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-his good,
pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:2
Don't let people categorise you into obscurity. Go before the Lord, seek His face and find out what He created you for and the do what he tells you to do. Perhaps you will see the miracle I have seen.
Shalom
Dave Mc
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